What is this Camoflage of Black and White?

It is a goddamn glorious day to be alive. Sure, it's Monday, but it is nearly orgasmic outside. Sunny, mid-80s, fuckin A man. I didn't think it could get any better, and then I saw this video. Candid Panda. If only they liked to mate, and we could all have them as pets. Excuse me, I have to go outside and frolic for awhile. Enjoy:

Root root root for the Cubbies

Heavens to Betsy it's a beautiful day out! So warm and inviting. You know what we should do, Dwayne? We should go into the city and see a Cubs game. We ain't gonna go to the actual game, it's too pricey. $6 a beer, and you can't bring your own coolers in neither. Also, I heard them Al-Kidas were wanting to bomb Wrigley. No sirrey, we'll just hang out in the neighborhood. Be sure to call and invite the kids, and tell 'em to bring the liddle ones too. Pack up Kaileigh and Kodi and Caighdynce and Austin's biggest strollers, and we'll all pile into three absolutely enormous SVUs. We ain't gone pay for no parking either, you can park on the streets up there in Wrigleyville for free! I guess you need some permit or something, but we never got no tickets. We'll park the SVUs in a row, with 7 feet of space in between, taking up nearly an entire city block. Ahe he he. It's going to be great!

We'll walk in a big flock down Addison and up Clark and around to Waveland, being sure to go extra slow to soak up all the culture and flavor of the city. We'll remark loudly and constantly about how we could never live there though, it's too spency and dirty and unsafe. Since we're fat fucks, looking like we consumed two of them skinny city folk each, we'll take up the entire sidewalk as we walk four deep. When any People of Color walk towards us, we'll cross the street. Don't want no trouble, you know? We will go into the boutiques and the men will yell the prices of the designer dresses and t-shirts to each other, guffawing. We'll make comments on how we couldn't even fit into one ankle into the largest size pants, as self-hatred gently gnaws away at our souls. We'll eventually settle into one of the outdoor seating sections of a bar on Southport, letting the kids run around freely in the restaurant and sidewalk as we get shitfaced on Miller Lite and White Zinfandel's. We'll talk loudly about how the food is dry and overpriced and not as good as what we could make at home as we shove it into our huge faces. We'll declare the waitress rude and leave her a 5% tip. Eventually, we'll shuffle on back to the SVUs, bitching about how we should get gas but it's over $3 up here, and finally we'll drive back to Milwaukee or Aurora or wherever the fuck we're from.


Editors note: Is Ronnie WooWoo ever going to go on a murder spree? Could this be the year?

Will you Link me tomorrow?

• Parents watch WAAAAY more tv than their kids. Cmon sofa spuds, turn of the Dancing with the Stars results show and getcha fat body outside. It's beautiful now! Play catch, jump rope, see if you can walk a block without shattering your weak ankles. Also, what is Crumbs? NYC is all about it. [ChiMag]
• Barrack Obama and slum-lord Tony Rezko were totally Besties. [SunTimes]
• Playing in an abandoned warehouse will kill you. Often. [ChiTrib]
• Hey scenesters: new shit is opening. The 'stop naming thigns Republic edition. [Metromix]

Mind the Weird Kids

We, like most of the country, have been enthralled and horrified by the Virginia Tech tragedy for the past 2 days. Now that all the details are coming out it's got me thinking about the strange kids. You know, the kinda smelly ones. Every grade school had that kid with the home-given haircuts who ate glue, sometimes soiled himself, and had to take Ritalin. By high school he/she would have hopefully formed some alternate identity; being a goth or a hippie or hacker would fit him in to a group, give him a group of weirdos to hang with. (Click that link, really) And that was fine too because you didn't have to hang out with him or feel sorry for him. He had his loser crew. Sometimes they would stare at you a little too long in the cafeteria, and he bumped into you in the hallway and may have pulled a hair out of your head the other day, but overall he's harmless.

But then comes college, and the epitome of slum-life: the college dorm. Hotties, studious dorks, skanks, drunks, potheads, athletes, and smelly kids all forced to live together in one shithole tower. Every dorm floor had at least one; my beloved Harrison Hall floor 8 had the girl who wore Eagle/lighting bolt tshirts and had half her hair cut into bangs. But the worst she ever did was pick up men on the internet and not wash her bedding all semester (including after a period mishap). I didn't have to live with her, but her roommate threatened our RA that she would drop out if she didn't get moved, and eventually Smelly Girl had her own spacious 12x15 cinder block cell.

The roommates and teachers of Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung-Hui are now coming forward with stories of a very troubled, angry little stalker. One professor said 'I would have been shocked' if it wasn't him. They saw the warning signs, reported him to RAs and the police, but it wasn't enough. And what more can you do? We all are trained to take note of people who act curiously, report their odd behavior to those in charge, but then what happens?

Not sure where to go with this... I need to get back to carefully assessing/staring harshly at the creepy guy at work.

Cho's Myspace

Gin and Links

• We beat LA! I mean, was there really any question? Gorgeous culturally-rich although morbidly obese Chicago versus earthquakey celeb-overridden endless adobe suburb LA. Go us! (p.s.- the Olympics are lame, but we really really like winning things) [ChiTrib]


• Outraged prudes are calling for firings after DVDs were sent to media and parents last week of Sandridge Elementary Principal Leroy Coleman getting laid all over school by a variety of naughty teachers... wait, I've seen that movie... [ChiTrib]


• Hi-Tops is going to become Harry Caray's after this season. But where will unattractive 28 year-olds go to grind on underage drunk girls? Oh right, The Hangge Uppe. [ChicagoMag]


• Astronaut Suni Williams runs the Boston Marathon in space as crewmates look on and toss orange slices at her. Aren't they supposed to be doing research or testing monkeys or something generally useful? Is it just a party with the Russians up there? [CNN]


• Apparently there is a new area called the Warehouse District and it's the Place to Fucking Be. Isn't that area technically WeLo? Enough with downtown really, I predict the next big thing will be either SoFaux (South of Foster), WeDep (west of depaul east of bucktown) or NoWeIn (the region)

Things We Learned This Week

• Calling a female athletic team "nappy headed hos" is probably a bad idea, especially if you are a white gravel voiced/faced creepy old man. [MSNBC]
• While driving/riding in a car to a meeting between disgraced radio hosts and basketball hos, or just anywhere, it is a good idea to wear a seatbelt. [CNN]
  
• Kurt Vonnegut was still alive. [NYT]
• That this flat-ironed freak show is someone's father. Now if I could only figure out who my own babys daddy is... [People]
  
• Erba in Lincoln Square is yummers. Yes, that's right, yummers. [Metromix]
• The amount of time it takes a new Cubs manager to have a meltdown? 9 games. We predict a total nervous breakdown somewhere around June 12th. [ChiTrib]
• We are completely obsessed with Google Image searches (see above). What happens when you Google Image search "Google Image search?" This! Like holding a mirror to a mirror.
• That if it doesn't warm up soon we are going to have to move. Seventh City Kitty has a nice ring, and we won't have to change our initials. So get ready... San Antonio? Er, on second thought, it's going to get nice any second now.
• Alanis has much more melodic and sexy lady humps than Fergie.
  

Like a Rolling Link

• Break out the Ugg's and hideous sweaters, it's a mess out there. Just remember this in 3 months when you arrive at work looking like you were doused with a bucket of water, reaking like a gym sock. [ChiTrib]
• That guy from Law & Order who was thinking of running for President has cancer. Big year for cancer. We here at SCK would totally vote for Elliot Stabler. Or Mr. Big. Because we are suckers for men who brood. [CNN]
• SunTimes, you have been warned. But if you cheap pun one more time in the leading headline we are going to stop buying you and start making up our own Sudoku. (It's Snow Joke- zing!) And no rhyming either. [SunTimes]
• I kept meaning to try X/O, and now it's too late. Sadness, so much sadness. [TOC]
• The Cicadas are ready for their vibrant return. Ravinia goers are going to be so pissed [CBS2]

Someone fathered Dannilynn

Larry Birkhead is the father. So that's done. Yup. Done done done-rs. Guess I should be moving along. Finding something else to blog/think/dream/obsess about. Uh huh. Lotttttta stuff going on in the world. SO Much! And my own life, I mean, wow. Action packed that is. Solid coverage of social engagements and cotillions. Allriiiight. Guess I'll go do... some of that... stuff...

[CNN]

A Review of Something we have no business Reviewing: David Sedaris

SCK saw David Sedaris last night at the Chicago Theater. We would both be able to contribute to this post, but 5 minutes into the show M Chaz had a height-inducted panic attack. Our seats were in the second balcony (it's a reading and D Sedaris is not really much to look at, whatev) which is about 8 miles in the air off the stage level. When I looked up and realized the soaring ceiling was within touch, I got loopy and disoriented and had to be cuddled and fed salted almonds for 7 minutes. M Chaz, his blood thick with Cadbury Creme, couldn't shake off the feeling that if he leaned forward he would tumble down 1200 rows, ran out to collect himself and was not allowed back in. Therefore I must dust off my literary skillz not used since, well... not used.

Mr. Sedaris is genius and hilarious, and his speaking voice is absolutely amazing. He sounds like a old female socialite, her throat scared by years of smoking and eating gold plated foods. His excellent intro was mocking of the plagiarism scandals of late, pointing out how we are more concerned with James Frey (that fucked up alcoholic) lying to us than our President and government. He followed this with a story about a child molester in his town in France which made everyone a little uncomfortable. Then a couple more France-centered stories, with a great impression of his brother's thick southern accent thrown in, and then he read snippets of his diary entries. The diaries were great. All of it was, really. However, he was far better before he moved to France. It scares me that he may be out of good material. Sedaris is best talking about his mother, his childhood, and his family in general. But he has begun to center around his life in France, and there's only so much you can say about how different the French are. "The French are funny." That's it. And sure, the language barriers can be amusing, but one "I used the feminine not the masculine noun" story is enough. So, David darling, move into your sister Amy's insane bunny-overrun apartment in NYC for awhile, and let hilarity ensue. Please? Because M Chaz is not risking another holiday panic-attack just to hear you talk about how you lack French fluency.

Keith Richards is way more hardcore than you

Recently, when asked by a British magazine what the strangest thing he had ever snorted was, Keith Richards replied, "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father."

Whoa, man. I mean, just, wow. That's, yeah, that's hardcore. Good deal buddy. I mean, terrible, terrible deal, but just, yeah. We've all heard about how all the blood in your body has been replaced, and how you used to stay up for 36 days a time and the recent falling out of coconut trees. But you really outdid yourself this time.

Wait a second... isn't this an episode of Six Feet Under? Didn't some teenagers snort up their dead drug-addict Lindsay Lohan-rip off actress friend? Yeah! Here it is! Thanks TWOP! Dude, Keith, you're ripping of a episode of a cable tv show. This isn't hardcore at all. Nope. Lame even. SO weak.

Get back to me after you've freebased some stem-cells.

[CNN]

Regulators! Link up

• Perhaps it's more than just poor decisions, incompetent developers and idiotic planning. Perhaps the gods do not want Block 37 to ever become something. [CBS2]


• 'Hell on the El'- the latest little clever-ism to describe the absolute nightmare that our transportation system has become. I would say more, but my searing anger has rendered me unable to use language properly. I am vigorously shaking my head though. [ChiTrib]


• The SunTimes keeps it real! Dawg! Chillin old school for your bad selves, yo. [SunTimes]


• Rentometer- my new favorite thing ever. Enter your address, # of bedrooms and rent, and find out if you are paying too much, and also what your neighbors are paying. SCK Kat is paying on the low end of average. Sweet! [Rentometer] via TOC