The Worst Apartment Ever

Oh Craigslist, what did we do before you? How did we dispose of unwanted futons, find sexy/clean/buff SWMs to meet up with for casual, no strings attached oral, or pass the dull hours at work without your fascinating listings? Today, I was just perusing the New York apartment scene, as I often do, and I came across what must be the single worst apartment in the civilized world. I know, that's a big statement, so let me give you a lil taste. Here is the headline: " 2 Small Rooms for Rent in Apt Full of Cats".

...

See! Ok, here is the listing in full, because I'm sure it won't be up long. Who could resist the charm of an apartment in Brooklyn that is full of fucking cats!

"2 Small Rooms for Rent in Apt Full of Cats - South Slope

We have two small rooms for rent in a third floor sunny 2 bedroom apartment in South Slope Brooklyn (22nd St Between 5th & 6th Ave).

$500: Faces front of building, 7.5 x 9.5, one window, room for full bed/futon, dresser, closet.

$550: Faces rear of building, 9.7 x 9.6, two windows, room for queen bed/futon, dresser, closet.

The rooms can be furnished or unfurnished as needed.

The apartment is fully renovated. Hardwood floors in the bedrooms and living room. Tiled kitchen, new cabinets/counter. Ceiling fans in the living room, kitchen, and bedrooms so you may not need air conditioning (great cross breeze).

Heat, hot water, and electricity are included (you would pay extra if you want an air conditioner). If you want to use the stove, you will need to put the account in your name(s). There is an un-used cable in the apartment, otherwise there is no cable or internet service included with the rooms.

Please note that the kitchen, living room, and bathroom are shared with my seven cats and their furniture and toys (their litter box is in the bathtub). There is a futon, TV, VCR, and cheap stereo system in the living room. I come and go at all hours of the day and night to play with and care for my cats.

The bathroom toilet and sink in the apartment can be used but to take a shower you will need to go to the bathroom in the finished basement (modern, shower no tub). Dormitory style.

The nearest subway is local R at 25th Street and 4th Avenue but there are excellent connections to most other train lines. Shopping, banks, dining, laundry nearby. On street parking is good. Excellent quiet safe family block with 5th Avenue becoming more Park Slope every day.

Absolutely no smokers, no pets since there are already so many, credit check and paperwork required.

I am the owner so there is no fee. If you are interested, please call Liz at ---- AFTER 12 NOON. I work nights and sleep mornings. "

Amazingly no pictures are included, so I can only guess that the apartment must look exactly like this.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/roo/337630118.html

Falling for you

An open letter to Kenard Management:


I see you have been in the news lately… seems a young man died on your watch and we here at SCK cannot have that. As you might recall, Kat and I lived in that building back in 2002 and are all too familiar with the shoddy design of not only the units but also the decks. Decks which were such selling points for young urbanites like Kat and I (and especially Gary… who is SO GODDAMN URBAN) yearning for the opportunity to start a BBQ grill grease fire or to throw water balloons at the urinating Cubs fans in the alley below. But then, one drunken Sunday afternoon, KC almost fell through the railing that you installed to safeguard the inhabitants of your building from a fall. How’d that happen, you ask? It happened because the railings you installed are spaced so that anyone seated in a chair is mere inches from an unsightly tumble. It is an essential design flaw. I recall pointing this out to Angel, your flamboyant building superintendent, who mumbled something unintelligible and then resumed polishing his 20’ Lund Bass Master fishing’ boat. Let me tell you, that fucking boat sparkles. But, mine eyes sparkle no more… because your negligence has contributed to the death of a young man, and to that, I cannot abide. So, I am placing you on the “should’ve been a blowjob” list because it would seem that a young life would have been saved had you never been born. You join the ranks of Tara Reid, Rick Santorum, and the Git R Dun phenomenon.


Until next time… stay Klassy Kenard. And remember, I am watching you.

The Sun Times article (complete with picture!)

And the Tribune