Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007: Already over it

2’007: The Year of the Spy.
I stole that from my friend Andrew. He is an anaesthesiologist (which is, incidentally, a word that I am unable to spell and will, in perpetuity, be unable to spell… anaesthesiologist joining the ranks of such classics as: restaurant, definitely, and recommend). Anaesthesiologists don’t have a reputation for being funny or clever, but Andrew is both of those things. I think it’s because he was raised on free range chicken and Evian. I was brought up on Carl Buddig deli meat (I use the term deli “meat” loosely) and Tab which accounts for my wicked sense of humor and predisposition to certain forms of cancer.
So, having stolen “The Year of the Spy” and giving adequate props to Dr. Rudikoff, I have some predictions for ‘007 that I thought I would share with you all:

  • Paris Hilton’s uterus is going to get its own reality-based TV Show. It is high time we heard directly from the source and cut out the middle man (or men in many cases). I yearn for the day I can get the real story from her womb, as I am sure you all do too. It will be called: Maude, assuming Paris’ vag looks quite a lot like Bea Arthur and the licensing for the title has expired… it’s the obvious choice.

  • Sylvester Stallone will be a frequent Maude guest-star. Think Schneider from One Day at a Time but with just slightly less facial hair. Just slightly.

  • Gay marriage will be legalized… in Iraq! It ain’t happening here folks… but Andorra, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, Israel, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, Sweden, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, Argentina, Brazil, Italy, Mexico, and all Australian states and territories recognize gay marriage. I mean sure, Croatia has long been a human rights MECCA as will Iraq, now that Saddam Hussein has been executed. Iraq is going to be the next Fire Island, and I, for one, am psyched!

  • President Bush is going to become a vegan. I have no basis for that, but I have a hunch… He will, in short order, look exactly like Moby and have an ongoing feud with Eminem. His debut rap album is going to blow your fucking mind! Pharrell is going to collaborate, so there you go.

  • Global warming is going to make the Midwest 72 degrees ALL THE TIME! Yeah! Suck on that east coast! You may have New York, but now WE have San Diego’s climate (without all of those immigrants, of course.)

That’s all I have without further consultation with my psychic: the open leg-wound guy at the Addison exit on the Kennedy Expressway- he’s brilliant and has such a gentle lover’s touch. At the end of the day, we all want a man with a slow hand…
My personal best for an amazing ‘007!

No comments: