Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Giving new meaning to "Colon Blow"

Embattled alderwoman Arenda Troutman has not had a very cleansing year so far. She was arrested in early January for allegedly accepting bribes, her possible love affair with Black Disciple Donnell "Scandalous" Jehan came into the news, and her family might have ties to the ubiquitous Hired Truck scandal. Now, things are getting even more clogged up for Troutman, as the FBI is investigating her digestion aids. Troutman alleges the FBI knows a white powder siezed from her home is not drugs, but rather a dietary supplement, and they are trying to ruin her otherwise pristine name. The FBI says they aren't done testing.

All this reminds me of the hilarious classic episode of AbFab, where Patsy gets arrested in the airport with a white powder. After testing reveals it is a harmless substance, Patsy demands they test it again because she cannot accept she has been snorting baking soda all weekend. Oh those Brits.


[The breaking scandal, SunTimes]

Link it up

  • Aw! Bears helmets on the Art Institute lions! We'll have to go there and take a photo. If only they fit... Screw this, lets go see the bean. [ChicagoTribune]

Related: If you ever wondered, as I did, how they light up them buildings so neat with words and stuff, the Tribune has answers. [ChicagoTribune]

  • Everyone likes boobs. Radar tracks our national obsession. [Radar]

  • Harry Potter is grown up and staring, naked, in a play with a horse? Hot. My fav is BWE dubbing him "white D'Angelo". [BWE]

  • Tyra Banks still talking about her weight, defending her weight, saying her weight doesn't matter. Tyty, if you don't care about it stop talking about it. We were already over it... well... I guess we were never really into it. [TMZ]

  • American Idol to replace current Trainwreck Paula Abdul with former/eternal Trainwreck Courtney Love? That we would watch, if only for the interaction between CLove and Seacrest. [UsMagazine]

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Link it good

  • Could someone please give Manase Latu his own tv show now? [Chicagoist]
  • WBBM learns that even Bears-crazy fans don't care to know the minutes and seconds until the Superbowl while watching their stories. [ChicagoTribune]
  • This blog makes us desperately wish were still up and running. [TheTrixie]
  • KFed loves fast food workers, but his ex-checksigner loves them more. [People]

And on that note, we proudly present the KFed superbowl commercial. Not bad really, and it features his best rap song to date.

And we're back...

Apologies for the extra long weekend break, I was across the country cavorting in the fabulous non-city of LA. Having gorged myself on In-N-Out burgers, Coffee Bean ice-blendeds and ocean air, I feel rejuvenated and rehabed like a Lohan. I will now commence bringing you the snark, and with a new motto of 96% more Chicago, and far fewer links to Paris Hilton stories. I promise.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Early Bird Links

  • Paris Hilton kissing girls, flashing her junk, smoking joints and tampons. My personal fav is one of her friends covered in a mountain of coke, because I too know the only way to really do blow is off a fat dude's body. [Radar]
  • Isaiah Washington is off to some sort of behavioral rehab. Uh, sure. [UsMagazine]
  • Aniston pays a visit to Dr. Raj, the man credited with making Ashley Simpson do-able. Anyone have a number for that guy? Not for me, for a... friend.... yeah.... [Socialitelife]
  • Oh whew! Ryan Reynolds has an excuse I could totally use. [ICYDK]

Still Classier than Packers fans

All of Chicago is abuzz with Superbowl excitement, the Will Smith classic "Going to Miami" is being played non-stop, along with about 18 versions of the Superbowl Shuffle, but it can't all be fun and terrible music. Because in every group there's at least 2 idiots. They like to team up and get all racial after a few too many Coors Lights. Is this really Da Mayors fault? The man can bulldoze an airport in the middle of the night, but it hardly seems like its his job to keep white trash from making Katrina references.
Also, what is up with the pregnant women pulling Bears stunts? First the induced labor before game day, and now a woman is selling ad space on her pregnant stomach. I mean, that fetus isn't paying off just hanging out in there...

[Advertise on my unborn, SunTimes]
[More classy fans. ChicagoTribune]

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

We link so you don't have to

  • Thanks to Jared Leto's constant douchebaggery, our perception of Jordan Catallano is forever tainted. [UsMagazine]

  • I never realized how much Victoria Beckham looks like a drag queen, specifically the beloved Hedwig. [SocialiteLife]

  • Fix yourself girl! [CW]

  • "Barry" Obama's High School Yearbook photo. Not bad, not bad at all. [Gawker]

  • Aniston and Cox are going to get all 'bien in order to save overhyped FX trainwreck 'Dirt'. That may be the least hot lesbian scenario we've heard. [NYP]

Oscar doesn't like Borat

Or Dreamgirls. The most exciting moment of the year for film dorks (yes, this kitty included) has just passed, and with nervous anticipation I continually refreshed There's the predictable (Babel, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep), the unpredicatable and exciting (Little Miss Sunshine, and um... well it's the Oscars, it's all predictable). Dreamgirls was shut out for best picture, and the Jim Carrey Award goes to Sasha Baron Cohen for winning the Golden Globe but failing to get nominated, although curiously his screenplay for Borat was. Borat had a screenplay? Really?

Monday, January 22, 2007

The most perfect day in the history of Chicago... today. There's a little bit of snow on the ground, the sun is shining as much as it can in January, the world looks bright and the Bears are in the Superbowl. The best reason to celebrate, ever, is a Chicago sports team in the big game. However, in your dizzying happiness over Sexy Rexy's amazing interception-free performance, there are a couple of things to avoid. Do not overturn a squad car, don't reference Katrina, and don't shuffle your ass into freezing cold Lake Michigan. It's not worth it man.

"Three rescued from Lake" [ChicagoTribune]


Also, don't induce Labor so your husband can watch the game.


Wednesday, January 17, 2007


In "It was just a matter of time" breaking news, young trainwreck Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab. Cheers to her, or rather not. But really what I am most interested in is the speed with which the gossips have been reporting this news. UsWeekly has the most info up first, then Perez. People, E!, CNN, and the AP Wire have nothing, although apparently someone named Pookie Hudson has died. Cmon traditional media! Get with the (12-step) program!

UsWeekly is reporting that she is at Wonderland Center in Los Angeles' Laurel Canyon, which our Rehab Insider tells us is a relatively new facility run by a pervy old guy who loves celebrities. Sounds like LiLo will do well there.

Hump Day Linkage

  • The cast of Grey's Anatomy could use some Sensitivity Training. [CNN]
  • Cameron Diaz loses it on Timberlake at the Globes. Oh honey, just go home, plop on your couch for a few days in your schlumpiest Juicy sweatsuit, eat non-stop and watch Bridget Jones. It will be ok. [NYP]
  • Tom Brady scores Giselle. Aw, we always liked him with Natasha. [TMZ]
  • Brad and Angelina move to N'awlins. I imagine she'll probably be able to find some charity work to do there. [Yahoo]
  • Matthew McConaughey is a strange bird. And we love him. [People]

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Suppertime Links

  • Trump decides not to give Chicagoans a deal. [ChicagoTribune]
  • I have a huge head. I have to buy special hats. But seeing the freakshow noggin on Perez Hilton, I feel better about myself. [PerezHilton]
  • Britney pukes peanut butter on her new man. Don't look at the link. Don't do it! (ok, just be sure to scroll down) [x17] and [NYP]
  • LBJ killed JFK? We'll wait for the History Channel special. [NYP]
  • Hilary Duff digs the Horse drugs, and clearly, horse teeth. [Gawker]

I admit it, I had a "Molly"

American Girl place, the little Wisconsin company that could, has plans to take over the south, and then the east, and eventually the World. Toys are excellent things, and back in my day I don't think I met a doll I didn't like (except Baby Alive, creepy bitch), but doesn't there just seem to be something somehow wrong about American Girl? Is it the sight of overzealous tourists clammering to get inside the Michigan Ave outpost, is it the $87 doll with her $40 outfit with matching $52 outfit for your spoiled youngster and don't forget the $118 canopy bed! (prices in real amounts) No, it has to be the "Just Like You" dolls which you customize to look, that's right, just like you. "Every girl can find a doll to match her spirit and look—inside and out." They clone your childs spirit and inject it in a similar looking plastic toy. Who wants to play with a doll that looks just like them? Isn't the idea to have outrageous standards in dolls, like Barbie's long blond hair, big blue eyes and impossible figure? Yeah, I know, in 10-20 years when I have my own screaming brat I'll buy her an American Girl to win her love and attempt to make up for my frigid parenting. But she's getting one of the 3 ethnic dolls.



Media in the Morning

  • Bridget Jones and Dylan McKay a couple? It could work! [SocialiteLife]
  • The Golden Globes were given out last night. Recap: Jennifer Hudson, Babel, Ugly Betty, Maria Menoulououos is an idiot, Borat. Is it weird that we think Sasha Baron Cohen is kinda hot? [CNN]
  • And they all wore clothes. With varying degrees of success. [EOnline]
  • David Beckham and that skinny robot who follows him around are planning their move to Hollywood and gossip columnists everywhere are freaking the fuck out. [People][TMZ]
  • Britney and her new thug spend $40,000 on one night in Vegas. Lets hope at least some of that went toward hygiene. [People]

Monday, January 15, 2007

Miami, you've got style

A special report from our Nightlife Correspondent Shadestein:

10 Days in Miami

Last Saturday arrived in Miami at 11:30. Checked into the hotel, had some cocktails, snorted a few Ritalin, went to Space at 3. Dropped 4 pills and rocked it on the terrace until 12:30. Went back to the hotel, showered changed, walked along the beach until about 8PM, went back to the hotel chilled, went to Nikki Beach. Passed out on one of the beds, woke up, drank a few vodka redbulls, blasted a rail of sand, went back to the hotel. Slept until Monday at 9PM, got up, ate pizza, rolled over to Tantra at about 12. Smashed. Met a girl from Berlin -- made a few holocaust jokes, took me back to her place at 4, cocaine, redbull, and Germans don't mix. It was a good night. Made it back to the hotel at some point Tuesday afternoon. Slept until around 9. Ate pizza. Went to Santo at about 12. Completely delirious, I spent about 2 hours talking to a shemale and asked her about her childhood. It was interesting. Decided my time could be spent better. Met a smoking hot latin chick who spoke four words of english. Don't remember any of what she said. Finally made it to the hotel at some point. My buddy was passed out on the floor -- woke him up, got our bags packed and bounced to our work conference in Downtown Miami.
Checked into the hotel there, wired the fuck up, ran into the director of my org. who just shook his head at me and "advised" me to be on time for the awards dinner. Made it on time. Slept through the entire thing. Didn't do shit Wednesday night. Meetings all day Thursday. Some married dudes wanted to go to Gold Rush, so I joined them. They dropped at least $2000, I spent $20, got four free lapdances from this Italian broad as well as a phone number the promise of banging on Saturday when she was out of work. Bounced back to the hotel. Meetings all day Friday. Friday night company cruise and open bar party at Nikki Beach. All fucked up, pissed off about 50 coworkers from around the world. Snuck out and went to Twilo for Tenaglia. Had to bounce on the early side, but it was rockin. Early meetings on Saturday; passed out until mid-afternoon. Had some lunch, watched the games, drank vodka redbulls. Rolled over to Mansion, decent bitches, rocked it until nearly closing time. Went over to Space for the terrace. Met the Italian broad at 6:45. Rocked it at Space until 10. Back to the hotel. Made it to the airport. Made it to Chicago. Made it to work today.

We are exhausted just reading that, and feel a strange urge to chew the inside of our cheeks. Thank you Shadestein!

Lindsay does what she does best

If you believe the very informative web sources, in the past year young Lindsay Lohan has been: hospitalized 7 times, engaged to Harry Morton, obsessed with Harry Morton, dumped by Harry Morton, anorexic, coke-bloated, a cutter, friends with Paris, beaten up by Paris, in AA, carrying vodka in water bottles, OD'ing at the Chateau Marmont, appendix-less, adequite, looking to Al Gore for help, snorting strawberry quik cut with cocaine, losing jewelry in Birkins, sleeping with Stavros Nachos, a fan of Proactive, tweaking out in her car at 6 a.m. over imaginary paparazzi, and fire-crotched. I'm sure only about 7/8ths of those stories are true. But it does bring up the question, are starlets today more a mess, or do we just know more about it? What fascinating things were the stars of yesterago doing that TMZ missed capturing? Marilyn on a drug run in the Valley in her sweats? Audrey stumbling out of a club at 4 a.m.? Close-ups of Veronica Lakes track-marks? Oh, what could have been if we had lost our standards years ago...


Friday, January 12, 2007

Weekend Links

  • Paula Adbul was even drunker than usual this morning. [TMZ]
  • Queer Eye is done (aw), but Tim Gunn will be in to fill their fabulous shoes. [UsMagazine]
  • Claire Danes scores a new gay boyfriend. [NYDailyNews]
  • Sure, it's easy to judge others when you're dead. [CNN]
  • Well, he seems cleaner. And he's Jewish. Yeah, Britney, he's an improvement on K-Fed. Now go shower. [People]

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

CTA: get it the fuck together

The joys of public transportation. Shuffling into an overpacked, hot, dirty El car. Dealing with all array of random crazies, scammers, vagrants, stinky people and Loyola students. Blankly staring at the train map overhead, trying to decipher Spanish advertisments, or, worse yet, reading the RedEye in order to avoid awkward eye contact with your fellow passengers. Every now and then something exciting happens, a drug-deal gone awry or a drunk dude collapsing, but basically it's just one of the unpleasant necessities of living in the City. Which is how we looked at it until this past summer, when the trains began arriving 30 minutes after we reached the platform, stopping on the tracks for goddamn Ever, and basically making us even later than we always are. Naturally, everyone got pissed. A series of articles appeared in the RedEye (which isn't that fun? reading about how awful the El is while sitting stopped in an El car?), and people switched to the bus or just got angrier on the train. Now comes news that we have 2 more years of sketchy El service to look forward to, the trains are going to run backwards around the loop, and will be running on 3 tracks instead of 4.

There really has to be a better way than this. By the time the new El is up and barely running, Northsiders will have figured out alternative transportation. Suggestions, hilarious El stories, or if you would like to start a carpool: please comment.



Link me in the Morning

  • If you needed further proof that You have terrible taste, we give you the People's Choice Award winners. Jennifer Aniston? Cameron Diaz? Cmon, You, really? [CNN]
  • Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood are a couple. Sometimes it's just so wrong it is somehow right. [People]
  • The worst parents of the year. No, it's not Britney and KFed. [TimesTribune]
  • Stephen Colbert and Bill O'Reilly to trade shows. That will be the first and only time I watch The O'Reilly Factor. [Yahoo]
  • Cumming all over matrimony. And check out that guest list![AP]

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Evenin Linkin

  • My RAZR and Ipod Nano, so cool just a moment ago, now look like utter shit next to the IPhone. [Gawker]
  • Sienna Millers MILFy mama is so much hotter than she is. [PerezHilton]
  • Mandy Moore is dating that guy who used to try to get Nicole Richie to eat. Better him than the Valderamamama. [UsMagazine]
  • The Golden Pajibas. Really, they didn't like Little Man? [Pajiba]
  • More about Screech's schlong than you ever, Ever wanted to know. [HollywoodRag]

Dumber than Drudge...

...but ever so slightly. This illustration accompanied a CNN story about the wildfires in Malibu.
It was eventually taken down and replaced with a story about Suzanne Somers' house being one of the homes destroyed, but I think it deserves a special place in our hearts for being Informative, Relevant, and for the excellent use of the Flame icon.


A cup of coffee and some links

  • Orlando Bloom pees [TMZ]
  • How to tell the Davis brothers apart. Not that you would ever really need to, but Gallery of the Absurd is Amazing.[GalleryoftheAbsurd]
  • Angie is back on the smack? [PageSix]
  • Rosie O'Donnell now just fighting anyone in sight [PerezHilton]
  • Clubbing really is the best way to recover from semi-invasive surgery. Trust me. [UsMagazine]

Monday, January 08, 2007

Obama with a 'B'

So what is a rising star Senator to do when the tough drug questions come up? Deny deny deny or just admit they not only inhaled but snorted/freebased/stuck some pills up their butt? We're not implying Barrack Obama was ever rolling hardcore on the E, we all know he preferred the nose-candy, but it does raise some interesting questions. Especially since he has chosen the honesty path. What does it matter what someone tried 25 years ago? Is he a political dummie for admitting the truth, or is it extremely refreshing in an era of thinly veiled political lies? No one believed Clinton or W, so why not just come out and tell the truth? His truth strategy seems to have made this a non-issue, so perhaps sometimes the way to avoid a scandal is to beat your opponents to the punch.

And also, what are you going to tell your kids when they ask about your drug use? I'm not looking at you Susie Straightlace, I'm looking at you, Pete Doherty-wannabe. Especially when their Auntie Kat comes over to warp their sweet little minds with old photos of you with that gold straw up your nose.



  • New York stinks. [CNN]
  • The premiere of The Apprentice managed to beat Family Guy. Reruns. It lost to everyone else. [Zap2it]
  • Angelina calls The Chosen One a "blob" [Us Weekly]
  • Don't extort from the Big O [EOnline]

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Something for your weekend


-If by "appendicitis" you mean "stomach pumping", then yes, that's what Lindsay Lohan had. [Idontlikeyouinthatway]
-Beyonce's poppin. [GoFugYourself]
-Wait. Wait. Chris Kattan is straight? Huh, totally didn't see that. [People]

-Soon the entire south loop will be a College Ubercampus [Chicago Tribune]
-You can still eat cruel liver, if that's your thing. It's your karma, not mine. [Metromix]
-Hey you! You sexy young single gorgeous clever hipster! Yes, you! Nominate yourself, I dare ya. [ChicagoMagazine]

Thursday, January 04, 2007

So take off all your clothes

It's messy outside here in Chicago, but not in the typical January way. See, it's Raining. In Chicago. In January. And not freezing raining, sleeting or doing that slushing thing, it's just kinda pouring. I think I may have seen some lighting. At first it seemed just wrong somehow, but I have decided to welcome it. I'm sure this will have a very negative effect on the West Coast, because doesn't everything? And somewhere right now a polar bear is definitely very confused, but I don't know her. I don't know her, and I don't care to, because I might be able to go to North Ave beach next week if things continue this way.


Survey This!

Ah the myspace survey. A collection of questions that can be posted on your page to show the real you. Do you like coke or pepsi? How tall is your ideal mate? Have you eaten a box of oreos in the last month? Fascinating inquiries that may help you weed those undesirables out of your 400 friends. Oh, how we love taking them! Because really, we all love to be asked about ourselves. What is my favorite fast food restaurant? Really, you want to know? Just like ego-gling or those addictive quizzes on emode, we get off on self-disclosure. And that is all well and good, and sometimes helpful (I mean really, who wants to be friends with someone who scored "Charlotte" on the SATC quiz). But the problem is, no one likes to read others surveys. At least not more than one. Even the most clever, fascinating person becomes reduced to nothing more than: Yes, No, Burger King, Single, Nestea, Short, Brown, Blue, Slender, Taller than me.

So, dear beloved myspacers, please do one of the following:

Stop filling out surveys
Fill out only one survey. Not per day, just in total. Really.
For the love of puppies, do not send surveys as bulletins
Invent a better survey. Try to include the question "Strangest thing you've swallowed is?"

Now, I realize that this post goes against the very thing it is contained in, a blog. So I will try to practice what I preach, and the answer is "my nose ring"

Media in the Morning

  • I hope they just fight it out in a deathmatch. And then the winner has a massive coronary.[People]
  • Would you rather be associated with Paris the sluttart or Paris the city? Sometimes it's just lose-lose. [MSNBC]
  • One death you will not see on Youtube. [Yahoo]
  • Papa Joe begins to lose his stranglehold on one of his cashcows/daughters. [monsters and critics]
  • Halle Berry may be pregnant. Or, then again, she might not be. [Hollyscoop]
  • SAG hearts Little Miss Sunshine. Who doesn't? [EOnline]
  • All those Law & Order marathons pay off for USA. [Reuters]

Because when isn't it?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Gossip at Suppertime

  • Our condolences to the 8 gays who still watch The O.C. [TMZ]
  • Apparently Britney is in rehab, or she might just be getting a seaweed wrap. And has anyone confirmed that her latest baby, the obviously-named Jaden, really exists? I think it was all water weight. [MSNBC]
  • Also, her record is never coming out. It's the small blessings in life... [NYP]
  • Barbara stands by Rosie, Elisabeth Hasselbeck still stands alone. [CNN]
  • The hotter Simpsonsisters nipple. [PerezHilton]
  • Panda Fight [IFILM]

Is 10,000 sq ft enough?

Look, at SCK we understand you need lots of space. I mean, you just got promoted to junior vice president! You deserve lots of room to spread out. You and Kelly have been married for over 2 years now, and she's started to put the pressure on to move out of your Lincoln Park condo and build a house in Glencoe or Glen Ellyn or Glendale. Naturally, you're going to need that house to be of a certain size. You have to impress your old buddies from Phi Kappa Delta when they stop over for those summer BBQs you'll be throwing, and Kelly sure as shit wants to make the other girls at her Advertising Agency jealous. We get it. 6,000 sq ft. doesn't even come close to big enough to make up for your tiny, tiny penis. 8,000 is getting close, but it does it over-inflate your ego enough? No, not quite, we didn't think so. 10,000 is definitely the way to go man. You'll have plenty of room for the 68" Plasma, your Goldens will have lots of room to run around, you'll be right on the golf course, and Kelly will finally get off your ass about only having 2 closets. It'll be awesome.

And we're cool with that. It's just that we can't find a proper term to define your new rockin' abode. Sprawl sounds too sexy, McMansion sounds far too delicious. We were contemplating DoucheCastle, but it seems a bit lacking. Suggestions? Comment.

Exercises in isolation

Falling for you

An open letter to Kenard Management:

I see you have been in the news lately… seems a young man died on your watch and we here at SCK cannot have that. As you might recall, Kat and I lived in that building back in 2002 and are all too familiar with the shoddy design of not only the units but also the decks. Decks which were such selling points for young urbanites like Kat and I (and especially Gary… who is SO GODDAMN URBAN) yearning for the opportunity to start a BBQ grill grease fire or to throw water balloons at the urinating Cubs fans in the alley below. But then, one drunken Sunday afternoon, KC almost fell through the railing that you installed to safeguard the inhabitants of your building from a fall. How’d that happen, you ask? It happened because the railings you installed are spaced so that anyone seated in a chair is mere inches from an unsightly tumble. It is an essential design flaw. I recall pointing this out to Angel, your flamboyant building superintendent, who mumbled something unintelligible and then resumed polishing his 20’ Lund Bass Master fishing’ boat. Let me tell you, that fucking boat sparkles. But, mine eyes sparkle no more… because your negligence has contributed to the death of a young man, and to that, I cannot abide. So, I am placing you on the “should’ve been a blowjob” list because it would seem that a young life would have been saved had you never been born. You join the ranks of Tara Reid, Rick Santorum, and the Git R Dun phenomenon.

Until next time… stay Klassy Kenard. And remember, I am watching you.

The Sun Times article (complete with picture!)

And the Tribune

Media in the Morning

  • CNN doesn't seem to understand that much like 'fetch, Gretchen Mol isn't going to happen [CNN]
  • Who is Dannielynn's baby daddy? I'm putting my money on none of the above [Yahoo]
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back? Somehow it's not as fun as I thought it would be [Turtle Power]
  • Whitney sells her stuff. No, not for crack. [People]

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007: Already over it

2’007: The Year of the Spy.
I stole that from my friend Andrew. He is an anaesthesiologist (which is, incidentally, a word that I am unable to spell and will, in perpetuity, be unable to spell… anaesthesiologist joining the ranks of such classics as: restaurant, definitely, and recommend). Anaesthesiologists don’t have a reputation for being funny or clever, but Andrew is both of those things. I think it’s because he was raised on free range chicken and Evian. I was brought up on Carl Buddig deli meat (I use the term deli “meat” loosely) and Tab which accounts for my wicked sense of humor and predisposition to certain forms of cancer.
So, having stolen “The Year of the Spy” and giving adequate props to Dr. Rudikoff, I have some predictions for ‘007 that I thought I would share with you all:

  • Paris Hilton’s uterus is going to get its own reality-based TV Show. It is high time we heard directly from the source and cut out the middle man (or men in many cases). I yearn for the day I can get the real story from her womb, as I am sure you all do too. It will be called: Maude, assuming Paris’ vag looks quite a lot like Bea Arthur and the licensing for the title has expired… it’s the obvious choice.

  • Sylvester Stallone will be a frequent Maude guest-star. Think Schneider from One Day at a Time but with just slightly less facial hair. Just slightly.

  • Gay marriage will be legalized… in Iraq! It ain’t happening here folks… but Andorra, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Iceland, Israel, Luxembourg, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Slovenia, Sweden, Switzerland, the United Kingdom, Argentina, Brazil, Italy, Mexico, and all Australian states and territories recognize gay marriage. I mean sure, Croatia has long been a human rights MECCA as will Iraq, now that Saddam Hussein has been executed. Iraq is going to be the next Fire Island, and I, for one, am psyched!

  • President Bush is going to become a vegan. I have no basis for that, but I have a hunch… He will, in short order, look exactly like Moby and have an ongoing feud with Eminem. His debut rap album is going to blow your fucking mind! Pharrell is going to collaborate, so there you go.

  • Global warming is going to make the Midwest 72 degrees ALL THE TIME! Yeah! Suck on that east coast! You may have New York, but now WE have San Diego’s climate (without all of those immigrants, of course.)

That’s all I have without further consultation with my psychic: the open leg-wound guy at the Addison exit on the Kennedy Expressway- he’s brilliant and has such a gentle lover’s touch. At the end of the day, we all want a man with a slow hand…
My personal best for an amazing ‘007!

2006: That year that just ended

As my new years resolution is to be more positive, I will stop the sass mouth for at least 2 weeks following this post. Or I won't. But for now it must be stated that 2006 was one shitasscock year. Why did 06 suck so hard?: The man of the year was the very undeserving You, a dance song sampling "The Lonely Goatherd", Rex Grossman, full frontal views of Britney's scarred and Lilo's orange bloated vajayjays, a diatribe by a greasy bloated Elvis look-alike making fun of said fire-crotch, more people naming their babies Jaden, the advent of the sayings "I'm bringing ____ back" "___ on a mother-fucking ____", the use of the suffix -alicious, Chicago caring enough about foie gras to spend the time/money/energy to enact a ban, leggings with jean skirts, Donald Trump talking, Rosie O'Donnell talking, Taylor Hicks, and the fact that we did not invent Youtube. It's gotta be all up from here? Right?

Too soon?

They closed Wall street? Really?