If the Butterscotch Stallion can't make it...

what hope is there for the rest of us?

• Soulless yuppies will have to stay in the warm Starbucks wifi womb for awhile longer. Typing this blog whilst chilling outside of the Daley Center, surrounded by coked up traders and homeless would be pretty sweet. Sigh, someday. [ChiTrib]


• Jim Mueller has Alzheimers at the age of 38. Maybe you do too? I'm just saying, haven't you been forgetting things lately? [SunTimes]


• Lance Briggs crashed his car and shaded out of the accident site, perchance alcohol was a factor, blah blah blah. Let's focus on what's important- where was he partying before fucking up his Lambo? Krem and Level. Couldn't he get into Ontourage? [Chicagoist]


• Indiana is determined to destroy our water and air. [NBC5]

Are we going to Die?

Outside- what a fucking mess. After huddling in a hallway with some writers during the tornado warning, I tried to navigate the flooded and tree-debris filled streets with my trusty VW Billy. Bad was my decision to drive to work, and therefore home. The second line of storms was moving in as I was inching down Clark street, I had just been informed that there was no power at my apt, and so I decided to bail. I cruised it over to various friends houses for some weather-day fun. Arriving home late night, my hood looked like a fancy war-zone. No lights east of Southport, branches and other various shit everywhere, drunk people stumbling around looking confused. Same as usual, but darker. More coming today, so bunker down, fuckers.

Back Yo

PTI- I was busy. I'm SO busy and important. And now I'm bored, so here's a blog:

• Wait, we have a yellow line? Apparently, and it runs as shittily as the rest of the CTA. [ChiTrib]


• Macy's Glamorama goes country this year: the store will "reimagined as a chic urban rodeo. There will be mechanical bull rides for charity, "Coyote Ugly"-style bar dancers, branding tattoos and the music of DJ Ruckus". Um, wasn't that hot about 6 years ago? You know, back in the golden era of Kid Rock and the Coyote Ugly movie? [SunTimes]


• Bad news, crackhead-No more staggering out of the Hunt Club and immediately scoring some sweet sweet smack. You'll have to trek it down to at least Chicago and Rush for your nosecandy. [ChiTrib]


• Pinkberry is coming to town! Along with a couple other fluffed artificially sweetened air purveyors. [Chicagoist]


• Because Chicago is truly small town, we totally know murder suspect Pat Ford who killed his girlfriend 3 blocks from the SCK lair on Sunday morning. Sad, messed up, terrible. [ChiTrib]

Headline of the Week

Perhaps my favorite. This year. Thanks to you, CNN.

"Bears eat man at beer festival"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/08/20/bear.death.reut/index.html

It's been awhile...

Because I've been writing stuff for other people. People who pay me, or at least put me in print. I gots to stop giving it away for free! Read the fancy shit:

[TOC]

LInk some sugar on me

• The CTA chief continues to dig the hole deeper. Really, Ron, believe it or not this isn't about you. We don't care about you. We would just like you to keep the trains running, preferably faster than 2 mph, and moderately cool. Thanks, dickhead. [ChiTrib]


• People totally fucking love Peter Sagal. SCK isn't much one for NPR-loving pussies with their water-bongs and bicycles, but this dude has as following, so we're going to see him tape Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. [Chicagoist]


• Sandwiches are awesome. Calliope should be on this list somewhere though, yum. [TOC]


• Lincoln Park Chad Society- SCK's fav new blog this year. Check out the Trixie/Chad lifecycle and the list of popular Chad names. But cmon Chad, no A-list Trixie wears Antik denim. Their older but cool aunt might. [LPChad]


• Amy Jacobsen and her foxy bikini made a big mistake. And now they've been fired. [ChiTrib]

Eleven going on Mel Gibson

When I was eleven year old, way back in the early 90s, I spent my days crushing on high school's star basketball player, languishing on my daybed as I read Teen Magazine and talked on my princess phone. My nights were spent listening to Rick Dees while kissing pictures in my yearbook and playing MASH. Sure, things got racy sometimes. Barbie stole Skippers boyfriend Kevin and I graduated from the Babysitters Club to Sweet Valley High, but overall life was pretty fucking wholesome.

It makes me sound about 80 to say this, but...
what the fuck has the world become?

I blame Lindsay Lohan.



Sidebar- totally click on that MASH link above. Amazing, amazing.

Linkalicious

SO Delicious

• The "Family Secrets Mob Conspiracy Trial" (!!!) opening today in our fair Chi- just like The Sopranos. Only without the humor, Edie Falco, pretentious metaphors and bare boobies. Otherwise just the same! [ChiTrib]
• Only 57% of newborn boys are circumcised in these wild and free '00s. That's down from 90% in the 1970s. Got some foreskin envy, Gen X-Y? One word- smegma. [CNN]
• The generally awful PerezHilton gets a guest spot on the View. This is one of the signs of the apocalypse noted by Isaac Newton. [PerezHilton]
• Wow, what a clever and well-written article about festivals I just stumbled upon on the internets! Ok, yes, I wrote it. [TOC]
• Barneys destroys the corner at Oak and Rush. Yes, Sarah's Pastries suck, but Papa Milano and Tender Buttons had been there since the 60s, man. [SunTimes]
• The first rule of Cubs Fight Club... [Chicagoist]

We can't go on together, with Pretentious Minds

Caution: I am totally spoiling the Sopranos ending here. If you are a fan, but have been in a third-world country or trapped under something heavy and haven't watched it yet, you have been warned.

You never have a second chance to make a first impression. But what about a last impression? Can a beloved tv series slight itself for all time by ending on a less than high note? And can a previously great show that has fallen off its game redeem itself with one last hurrah? And what if a show fails to deliver at all, ending without answering any of the questions it has raised throughout it's run or tying up any of the stories of the characters we have come to care about?

So many questions because my mind is still reeling from the baffling but not entirely surprising Sopranos finale. The episode itself was alright, pretty great really. Lots of choppy editing, a gruesome wacking (of Phil Leotardo), and tons of suspense. The building up of anticipation in the last 5 minutes was so intense- the Tony, AJ and Carmela in a restaurant, a shifty Italian glancing at Tony, Meadow having trouble parking- that when the screen suddenly cut to black just as Meadow walked in the door and Journey sang "Don't stop...." it had to be the largest universal uttering of "What the?" our fine country has ever seen. Nothing. Nada. Black screen. Roll the credits. And cue the confusion.

So really, what the? What was the point? Is David Chase's point that we shouldn't have answers, that we should not care so much about what happens to a fictional family of criminals and killers. Or is this ending highlighting the fact that it doesn't matter? In one of the best scenes of the episode Tony goes to visit Junior in the state prison mental hospital, and Junior has no idea who he is. Tony tells him "You and my Dad, you two ran New Jersey". Junior responds "We did? That's nice" and goes back to staring blankly. Whether Tony gets indicted, or killed in the restaurant, or lives out his days to retire in Miami, his fate will eventually be that of Juniors. None of the power, big houses, or $2000 cappuccino makers will matter. And shouldn't matter to us either.

But still, we as people are big on closure. And not having that, or the possibility of ever having it, is very uncomfortable. Even terrible series finales (Seinfeld, anyone?) give this much-needed closure. It may be ludicrous, but we know where Jerry and pals are living out their days. Even a it-was-all-a-dream finale (Newhart, Roseanne) would be preferential to this nothing. One of my favorite finales of all time, Six Feet Under, flashes forward to tell us exactly what happens to each character up until the time of their death.

We watch tv because we don't want to make up stories on their own, we want them to be told to us. We don't use our imaginations because they are not very good writers.

NorthsidePride

I previously guessed that Lou would have a complete breakdown by June 12. I guess I underestimated the ability of Cubs to reach new levels of suck. Lou- you're getting paid, you're in a nice ballpark, relax. So you're team is such a mess that your pitcher and catcher want to kill each other. It'll be ok. Walk over to Yak-zies and get some wings and a cold one. Only about 118 games left.

[ChiTrib]

The Worst Apartment Ever

Oh Craigslist, what did we do before you? How did we dispose of unwanted futons, find sexy/clean/buff SWMs to meet up with for casual, no strings attached oral, or pass the dull hours at work without your fascinating listings? Today, I was just perusing the New York apartment scene, as I often do, and I came across what must be the single worst apartment in the civilized world. I know, that's a big statement, so let me give you a lil taste. Here is the headline: " 2 Small Rooms for Rent in Apt Full of Cats".

...

See! Ok, here is the listing in full, because I'm sure it won't be up long. Who could resist the charm of an apartment in Brooklyn that is full of fucking cats!

"2 Small Rooms for Rent in Apt Full of Cats - South Slope

We have two small rooms for rent in a third floor sunny 2 bedroom apartment in South Slope Brooklyn (22nd St Between 5th & 6th Ave).

$500: Faces front of building, 7.5 x 9.5, one window, room for full bed/futon, dresser, closet.

$550: Faces rear of building, 9.7 x 9.6, two windows, room for queen bed/futon, dresser, closet.

The rooms can be furnished or unfurnished as needed.

The apartment is fully renovated. Hardwood floors in the bedrooms and living room. Tiled kitchen, new cabinets/counter. Ceiling fans in the living room, kitchen, and bedrooms so you may not need air conditioning (great cross breeze).

Heat, hot water, and electricity are included (you would pay extra if you want an air conditioner). If you want to use the stove, you will need to put the account in your name(s). There is an un-used cable in the apartment, otherwise there is no cable or internet service included with the rooms.

Please note that the kitchen, living room, and bathroom are shared with my seven cats and their furniture and toys (their litter box is in the bathtub). There is a futon, TV, VCR, and cheap stereo system in the living room. I come and go at all hours of the day and night to play with and care for my cats.

The bathroom toilet and sink in the apartment can be used but to take a shower you will need to go to the bathroom in the finished basement (modern, shower no tub). Dormitory style.

The nearest subway is local R at 25th Street and 4th Avenue but there are excellent connections to most other train lines. Shopping, banks, dining, laundry nearby. On street parking is good. Excellent quiet safe family block with 5th Avenue becoming more Park Slope every day.

Absolutely no smokers, no pets since there are already so many, credit check and paperwork required.

I am the owner so there is no fee. If you are interested, please call Liz at ---- AFTER 12 NOON. I work nights and sleep mornings. "

Amazingly no pictures are included, so I can only guess that the apartment must look exactly like this.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/roo/337630118.html

Linkulators

• Hold the goddamn phone, Looptopia sucked. Shock of shockers it was poorly organized and full of vomiting hipster college kids. Christ people, this is supposed to be a cultural event, not breakfast club at McGee's. [Chicagoist]
• This is the most confusing thing I have ever read, and I took British Art Criticism in college. Thanks CTA! [ChiTrib]
• Attorney General Lisa Madigan looks into investigating sex offenders on Myspace. OMG that means she totally has a profile! Do you think she'll add me? I want her in my top 8! [Suntimes]
• TOC missed the best secret parking deal in the loop. And no, I'm not sharing... I need the spot! My Brown line is down! Ok, ok, it's near State and Balbo. [TOC]
• Where to go when you just need to get the fuck out of town (as I do for basically the entire run of the Taste. Worst festival in the world). [Reader]

Pump it

• Ah crap, we totally spaced on "Don't Pump Gas Day" yet again. Seriously, who keeps organizing this shit? It's soo Frank the Tank- everyone thinks it's a fun idea that you want to go streaking, inventive even, but no one is going with you. [Chicagoist]


• Richard Roeper steps up to defend Jerry Falwell. Because someone has to do it. Gawker responds by highlighting the fact the Roep is a stone cold douchecake and that they are better than us. [Gawker]


• Chicago Olympos have to scrap their logo- apparently you can't put the torch, rings, or other Olympic business right in your symbol. Maybe IO/ImprovOlympic can sell them their old logo? Also, check out the Chicago Tribune's logo photoshopping job. Is the Big Red Circle crossout sign copywritten? [ChiTrib]

SCK Breaking News!

OMFG ya'll! That guy Larry Flynt fought with is dead. You know, the one who hates teletubbies and blamed gays for 9.11.

[CNN]

Link me a River

• It's nearly time to get Festive! Oh the Chicago Summer Festival: a time to sneak past the neighborhood association members-hobos asking for donations, stand on your street drinking $6 beers in the middle of the day, eat funnel cakes, sit on the curb and listen to Mr. Blotto and Paul and Joe, scope on people you think you probably went to college with but who you just can't place now, drive home after a long day to realize most of your hood is blocked off and you now must pay to park in your regular spot, and buy seed-bead necklaces from a well-aged hippie. We Love Summer. [TOC- Kat contributed to this completely amazing and wonderful guide]


• The parents of a 12 year old girl are suing mad that she was shown Brokeback Mountain in class, asking for $500,000 in damages. Wow, I mean, I know the movie was a little slow and lacking some complexities, but I mean... oh wait... is this about the rough gay sex? [Chicagoist]


• Barrack is all pro-union and proud, walking picket lines and refusing to shop at Walmart. Is this guy ever not on? [SunTimes]


• Three of the cops from one of the ubiquitous bar beatings are getting charged. These are the guys who went up to 4 pool-playing businessmen and proceeded to beat them for several minutes. Only the finest. [ChiTrib]