We are That house

I am very lucky to live in a very nice apartment in a lovely building on a popular and fabulous street in a gorgeous city. My building is a house, 3 stories, brick, all around a class-act. Apparently someone Hollywood-related took notice of this fact, as I arrived home around 6:30 last evening to find a film crew setting up in my urban yard (stoop and sidewalk). They were decorating our fence with garland when I strolled inside. I left and went to the gym shortly after, giving the crew go-fer a friendly nod. Returning home an hour later I found that to the garland had been added about a dozen fake red poinsettas and christmas lights were hanging on our local sidewalk tree. Oh, and I know the poinsettas are fake because I stole one, of course. I thought this must be the Vince Vaughn movie that everyone and their boss has been an extra in, but some nosing around revealed that they were filming the Michael Keaton directed feature "The Merry Gentleman". That's right, the second least shitty Batman has chosen our home as his set. (Don't you defend Val Kilmer, he's not worth it. He's not worth it)

So this is all very exciting, and my house is going to be super famous and may start dating Courtney Love now that she's all skinny and shit. However, when the crew packed up and left around 10:30, they left the garland and flowers and lights prominantly displayed on our home and stoop. I didn't want to take them down in case they return tonight to film more, and so now we look like crazy people who never took their Christmas decorations down. Thanks Michael Keaton!

[Info about the movie]

Link me baby one more time

• The Brown's Chicken case finally goes to trial. What took so effing long? Uh, the judge fell off a ladder. [SunTimes]
• Claire Rice died after choking on a piece of steak at the Chicago Yacht Club. Now her husband is suing the club for failing to properly perform the Heimlich manuever. Why not sue ole Claire's parents for failing to teach their daughter how to 'chew it up good'? People, they're the worst. [Chicagoist]
• Things just keep getting worse for the drunk/angry Chi PD. There is another "videotaped bar beating", this one featuring SIX off-duty officers beating some people at Jefferson Tap in December. The officers have been allowed to remain on duty for the past 3 months. Jesus Fucking Christ. [ChiTrib]
• Eat and drink all 100 of these things. I dare you. [TOC]

Stealing Summer

For the past 3 days the shiny warm happy face of G-d has smiled upon Chicago, giving us glorious 80 degree weather and snapping us out of the seasonal depressive misery we have been experiencing since Nov 06. Not content to sit on someones deck with a brat and a Corona, I (Kat) represented SCK in the Shamrock Shuffle. And no, I didn't win. It was sort of like driving in rush-hour traffic, only very slightly more painful. Kudos to all who tried and all, but really, why sign up for a 8K race if you are not capable of running 2 miles? There were people walking at the 1 mile point even. Not walking like "I have a cramp and I'll start up again in a sec", but walking like "I'm cashing it in and need a sandwich".

Other than that, the race was a fantastic experience thanks to the fact that it was like a warm orgasm outside, and the route goes through Millenium Park and the Loop. I fully recommend running it next year. Provided that you can move your ass more than 1000 meters, tubby.

Chicago's Finest

On February 19, off-duty Chi PD Anthony Abbate decided to get good and drunk. And so he did just so at a klassy establishment called Jesse's Short Stop Inn on west Belmont. Big Tony got a little carried away, and after trying to buy round of shots with no money and fight various fellow patrons, bartender Karolina Obrycka cut him off. Tony didn't take this well and decided to go behind the bar and repeatedly kick and punch 115 pound Karolina. Nice, super nice. My favorite part is how after filing charges, Tony's police buddies threatened to arrest the victim and bar owner unless they dropped their case. Way to stick together, violent douches (note: future band name). This is why the people of your city, and the rest of the country, thinks you're a bunch of dirty corrupt pricks. Because you are.

Oh, and there is video, natch:

[ChiTrib]

StrangeTimes

"A Woonsocket mother and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9-year-old daughter to teach the girl about sex."

Nice. Just nice. You know, childhood is a confusing time. You have to choose which Barbie is your favorite, deal with the big kids hogging all the good swings, sleep 10 hours a night, and watch some dude penetrate your mother.

"During an investigation by the state child welfare authorities, Prata, 33, said he and Arnold, 36, had sex "all the time" in front of the child and that "we don't believe in hiding anything."

It is NOT good to have your boyfriend fondle your Woonsocket in front of your 9 year-old child. Damn hippies.



[WBZTV]

Fuck the dots

The look of the site has changed due to the fact that the polka-dots were obnoxious and everyone had them, much like you after St. Patrick's day boozing. If you hate this new look or have a suggestion, let us know.

Cheers!
SCK

St. Patricks Day Hghghghghghgh

Was St. Patrick's Day on a Saturday not the worst thing ever? I suppose I just didn't bong/mainline enough green beer (only sweet lady H for me) but what a pain in the ass. After the debacle that was looking for parking in my Irish pub filled neighborhood for an hour and 5 minutes, finally settling on a spot somewhere in Evanston, I decided not to leave the confines of Sex on Southport (my apt) for the rest of the night. That got old and I got bored and restless and ventured out at 11:30, to find everyone had passed out. Mostly on the Southport sidewalk. Seriously ladies. If you don't want to end up in a puddle of your own green puke at 8 pm with your boyfriend/#1 gay/dude-who-is-trying-to-nail-you standing over you trying to get you to stand up and get back in the cab, don't behave like quite such a brainless hobag. Starting drinking at 6 am is not a good idea. Neither are Jaeger shots or triple fisting. You are not a Phi Delt pledge. You are a mid-20 something who weighs 110 pounds. Go the fuck easy.

Thanks!

The previous was a diatribe by a very annoyed Kat who feels a lot better now. Apologies. Muah!

Linkifornication

• Condoms are being kept out of prisons for fear that it would encourage sexual activity and homosexual behavior. Uh seriously. A bunch of angry rapists, murderers and general neer-do-wells caged up for years to life with no ladies to rape or things to rob. I doubt the introduction of condoms would somehow corrupt this environment. [Chicagoist]
• An in-depth look at Rock Paper Scissors. Yeaaaaah. Hopefully once it gets warm out things will start to pick up around here. Could someone please stab a baby or win a Superbowl or something? [ChicagoMag]
• She didn't stab her baby, but it's close enough. Little Melanie Beltran was tied up, burned, beaten, forced to eat hot peppers (!) and drink from the toilet. Happy Monday! [ChiTrib]
• Already Over: Underground [TOC]
• Stoned teenagers go to the Supreme Court to fight for their free speech right to hang a "Bong Hits for Jesus" banner. I would support them if it were somehow funnier. [ChiTrib]

What Links Around

• A whole bunch of people are still really upset about Chief Illiniwek. I had filed this deep in the 'who gives a fuck' file but apparently I was wrong in that. I can see students and grads shedding a single tear, but Old People who never went to U of I are, somewhat creepily, really pissed off about this. There are lawsuits and everything. Over a mascot. [SunTimes]


• Game show contestant or O-face? [Details]


• Chicagoist thinks that El Nandu in Logan Sq could rival much beloved Southport fav Tango Sur. I just don't see how that could possibly be possible. But I will go there and eat half my weight in juicy meat to find out for sure. [Chicagoist]


• New Yorkers go on a citywide manhunt to behead a man who robbed a 101 year-old. Sounds about right. [CNN]


• Myspace- it's not just for 'researching' exboyfriends and people you went to high school with. Now it's all about stalking your children. [ChiTrib]


• Living alone, I often had a recurring nightmare that I would die, either choking on Chinese food or of a heart attack, and no one would find me for weeks. I would like to think I would be found before years had passed, as least by creditors. No such luck for poor Larry. If only he had more debt. [CNN]

I'll put a Link on you

• A fire on Addison that killed 4 people was apparently started by a crazy homeless woman. The woman was questioned after detectives discovered she smelled strongly of smoke. I'm super glad they caught her, but I don't think I've ever encountered a homeless who didn't reek of smoke. [ChiTrib]
  


• Just in time for Monday, the Trib gives us The Most Depressing Article. Ever. Read knowing that it will make you not want to go on till Tuesday. [ChiTrib]



• The perpetual debate of Chicago vs New York pizza will finally be settled once and for all by Rachel Ray. Trust me Rach, you want to stay out of this one. We Chicagoans can't even have a friendly little discussion about this subject without someone being dragged out onto Waveland for a beatdown. [Chicagoist]



• Pretty much everyone was abused by a Catholic Priest. Shocking really, that celibate weirdos in dresses and funny hats could be up to no good. [CNN]



• The clever folks at the SunTimes dub the Dan Ryan the ExSTRESSway. See how they did that, with the word in the word with added meaning. Because its stressful with 1 lane open. Get it? So witty, sooo witty. [SunTimes]



• Del Toro is done. How is it that nothing works at 1520 North Damen? Even hipsters gotta eat! Don't they? [TOC]

You link me right round (like a record)

• Rolling Stone details the 25 best moments of South Park, complete with video! #1 is my total favorite as well. And no, it's not the Tom Cruise-R Kelly in the closet, though that was pretty great too. [RollingStone]


• Students are paying companies to find them jobs that don't pay. Maybe stay at Douche State U a couple more semesters there, Susie. [ChiTrib]


• I didn't win the Mega Millions $370 million jackpot, and neither did you. Someone in Jersey and someone in Georgia, however, did win. If it's any consolation, money doesn't buy happiness! Oh wait, yes it does. [CNN]


• Chicago sucks up super mega hard to the Olympic committee. Barrack Obama ("a political rock star"!) and the Art Institute! They're not fucking around. [SunTimes]


• Don't forget to vote in the TOC Eat Out Awards, if only for the stellar name. [TOC]

Linkin with the Homies

• We are still trying to score The Olympics. I think that sounds like it would be a hot mess, but I totally want to beat LA. Go Chi! [CBS2]


• Roeper nominates Ann Coulter for Idiot of the Year. While clearly Coulter is a vile waste of human substance, coming from Roeper this seems a bit Pot-Kettle-Black. [SunTimes]


• Don't forget to buy a Mega Millions ticket today! Don't worry, I'll still blog tomorrow when I'm $355 million dollars richer. It'll keep me grounded. [ChicagoTribune]


• A man intentionally crashed his plane into his former mother-in-law's house, killing himself and his young daughter. [CNN]


• McDonalds looks to add smoothies, so you can wash your Big Mac and large fries down with something made from real food. Also coming soon, the Cinnamon Melt which is described as "a warm, pull-apart sweet roll with cinnamon glaze". Excuse me, I have to go cry into my bland, unfrosted oatmeal. [SunTimes]

Pulaski This

• An off-duty Chicago cop was stabbed Sunday morning outside a bar by a Lincoln Park gang. A Lincoln. Park. GANG. After the stabbing they fled in their Jettas to their parents condos in Lake Geneva. [ChicagoTribune]


• Don't take the Dan Ryan. But why would you anyway? No one goes South. Indiana? Pshaw. [SunTimes]


• The people who run the CTA don't ever take the CTA. How nice for them. It would be so unfortunate if they met with that Lincoln Park gang... [ChicagoTribune]


• The cubs- still terrible. It's become such a reassuring constant, soothing even. [Chicagoist]


• Oh WTF holiday, Casmir Pulaski Day. Aka an excuse for Cook County government to be lazy. ier. [ChicagoTribune]

New Slang

When did this happen? When did the phrase "Douchebag" replace all other insults in our society? And why? Sure, it's fun to say. Douche. It has a sort of juvenille appeal with a grown up mentality, sort of like SouthPark (which helped popularize the phrase in their Douchebag vs. Turdsandwich election episode). And somehow it always applies. Drunk angry broker in a striped shirt hitting on you a bar? Cabdriver who can't pick a goddamn lane? Bloated orange guy driving a Hummer? All total Douchebags. It just works in so many situations! It's the ultimate catchall insult!

I was blissfully watching the Elliot Stabler Show a couple weeks ago, mesmerized by his furled brow and chemistry with Mariska. Sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous and they had caught a suspect, who the top ADA referred to as a "Douchebag". I figure once it's on network tv a word has reached the upper echelon of popularity and it therefore completely over. But now that the big D has taken over, nothing else seems as fun and effective. Dickhead? Eh. Asshat? Not bad, but still meh. Gawker tried to come up with an alternative, but the best they could come up with was "Twatwaffle". Terrible. Please, someone, show us what's next. How about Bartart? Cockwipe?

[Gawker]